Springtime means one thing in the holy kingdom of the Neon Lady. Marriage. Weddings. Nuptials.
Yes, this week the overriding concern of Grazia is the vow between a man and a woman (there is no woman on woman ceremony glam enough to report on at this point).
This issue is however disguised by its ‘Coachella’ cover – Coachella is an STD that Grazia are very concerned about, as it affects only young, rich entitled people and thus could affect the fertility of their entire subject matter in years to come.
We can look forward to the title “ALEXA: I caught Coachella and might not be able to conceive” in approximately 2.7 years.
This obsession with marriage is sinister – the message our current government promotes seems to be “We’ll accept you and give you tax breaks, straight, gay or common as long as you’re married”. Not the mention the press. It’s like we’ve stepped back into the fifties.
The television is awash with marriage reality shows – Don’t Tell the Bride, 4 Weddings, all of which brainwash us with pro marriage propaganda. No matter that most people on these shows already have a bunch of kids and seem perfectly happy. They want to almost ruin everything by having an enormously stressful party attended by people they hate.
When asked why they’re doing the deed, people on these shows/celebrities often say “Oh my children kept asking when Mummy and Daddy were going to get married”. Who are these children? When I was in primary school most of my friend’s parents were divorced, dissuading one from thinking marriage was a particularly good idea. Also: they’re children, how hard is it to say “Mummy and Daddy would rather spend the money on a holiday to Tenerife/we don’t believe in it”.
I now feel like the most radical thing to do is to never get married.
HOWEVER. This facebook person is spending 7 million quid on a Lord of the Rings weddings. OH MY GOD! This is simultaneously the most brilliant/tacky thing I’ve ever heard of. Geeks – they have just as little taste as the rest of us.
Also – I would die to be Gollum at said wedding.
Jada and Will have a ‘grown’ marriage – amazing. What does this mean (surely she’s not confirming the eternal rumour that they’re both gays).
Please everyone start using ‘grown’ as an adjective for all sorts of things.
Entirely delusional adulteress Kristen Stewart has been shouting about getting married, thus illustrating why it’s an awful idea to get married – no one will ever forget you shagged Liberty Ross’s husband KRISTEN!!!!
Also of note is the $30,000 commitment ring she’s wearing. Surely this money could be spent on something better, like an acting coach.
It is now de rigueur to refer to the family of one’s other half as ‘in laws’ even if you’re not married, particularly sinister in the case of 16 year old Lourdes Ciccone.
Madonna said there would be ‘no smoking or alcohol’ – wouldn’t you find this incredibly hard to take seriously? She must have been hella drunk to do that Sex book. Why else would you let Naomi Campbell anywhere near you naked. And Ice Cube. Never forget Ice Cube.
This poor delusional cow has already planned her wedding at 27 – after this article there is no chance of her ever, ever getting married. She bought her wedding dress when she was 23. Woman please. Stop.
Reading this makes me think she probably has a terrible mental disorder and thus I should be nice about her. But I can’t. She is mental. For example: “I’ve been single for 2 years now, and although my collection is growing – I recently added a silver clutch – I feel pretty relaxed about my dream wedding and optimistic that I will find my dream groom”. MAD!!!
However. Have no fear, marriage-phobes. Whilst all this talk of union goes on, three of the most infamous celebrity witches in the universe plot their return from the back pages of Grazia and into the ’10 hot stories’.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE EVIL?! No doubt they are discussing knee tucks or gay husbands or something. Or feasting upon the blood of virgins.
Let the young (and Chloe Sevigny) have Coachella and marriage – the old and tight of face shall inherit the earth.
Thus we finish this week’s review of the Neon Lady. I have omitted the weekly update on poor Jen’s fertility – she’s turned to ‘cupping’ to aid her having a baby. This sounds utterly Satanic and involves hideous mutilation.
In other news, Bradley Cooper has lived with his mother for the last 2 years because he is gay. That is the reason. I don’t care how cool she is.
OMG. Maybe that’s why people get married – so they don’t have to move back in with their mothers. There’s a sobering thought. Going out to buy my wedding dress right this instant.
Till next time!